Two Clicks from Crazy

So, it's been quite the week around these parts. Quite annoying, actually.


I believe that the calendar clearly states that each week is allocated ONE Monday.


I have had four Mondays this week, with each day progressively worse.


It all came to a head this morning, when I woke with a start. The alarm clock read 6:15 am, and I panicked. See, my alarm goes off around 4:45 am. Nooze and I leave the house no later than 6:30.


I immediately flew into a stuttering panic. I threw off the covers and raced to the kitchen. I poured a cup of coffee, prepared Nooze's school snack, threw my water bottles into my shoulder duffel.


I grabbed the dog food container: empty. Frigging crappitycrappitycrappitycrap! I grabbed the potato spuds out of the cabinet and set water to boil. Then I ran in to wash my face and brush my hair.


I quickly bathed and threw on clothes. The potato water was bubbling; I turned off the burner and mixed in potato flakes. I then measured out the glorious mess into each dog bowl and threw the bowls onto the kitchen floor.


I stumbled through the house to wake Nooze, stopping short in the living room. The clock, hanging proudly on my wall, read 5:02 am.


I immediately sat down and finished my first cup of coffee.


The dogs looked at their food, then at me. There was steam coming from their bowls, and they were unsure what to do with this information. They glanced at each other quickly, as if confirming that momma, finally, had slipped over the edge to Nutso-world.


I hooked them all outside and gave them fresh water. I made sure to put the potato bowls out with them. They used the bathroom and promptly began howling.


It was now 5:32 am.


I woke Nooze and bribed her with a bagel. She promptly sat in the kitchen chair and began reading, leaving the bagel to harden or soften or perhaps be stolen by elves. She still wasn't dressed.


She wandered away from the table to do whatever it is girly girls do at 5.50 am, and I began hauling things to the car.


I made my bed. I poured another cup of coffee. I brushed my hair AND my teeth.


It was now 6:25. I peeked into the bathroom to check on Nooze. She still wasn't dressed, and she was freaking PREENING in front of the mirror.


While wearing footy pajamas with Monkeys on them.


I loudly noted I was going to start the van and went outside.


I started the van, turning the heat and defrost on full blast. I went back into the house and poured another cup of coffee.


I firmly informed Nooze that I was leaving in three minutes, with or without her.

She ran out, bookbag in hand, throwing her coat over her shoulders. She ground her feet into her chucks (she never unties them) and ran out the door.


I made sure the coffee pot was off and left.


After dropping the Nooze off at her Aunt R's house, I headed off to work.


As I was driving down Random Country Road #241352, I glanced at my gas gauge. One fourth of a tank - not nearly enough to get to work.


The clock now read 7:15, which meant I was going to be late. AGAIN.


I pulled in to the gas station - and realized that this was only Thursday. Payday is Friday. I ran over to the ATM and got out a 20. I quickly checked the balance on the receipt and exhaled. I drove over to the gas tank and filled up.


As I was leaving the gas station, I glanced at the clock. It was now 7:22 am, but the sun was higher up in the sky than it usually is at that time. I compared my nextel clock to my cell phone clock to my van clock. They were all roughly the same.


I briefly contemplated calling in dead.

I inhaled, exhaled, then turned my van westward.


I knew, without a doubt, that this was the day everything would spiral out of control...