The Girls
Yes, THOSE girls.
With it being October and all, I find it necessary to speak of those which I'd rather not.
My boobs, my ma'ams, my 'never minders'.
Breast Cancer has affected my family deeply. To date, 6 women in my immediate family have been diagnosed; three have since died.
As a result, I have taken to the pre-forty mammogram quite well. Frankly, I'd simply rather know...and fight it from the start.
In spite of this, there is a part of me horrified about other necessities involving the Girls.
Namely a well fitting bra.
Or shopping for one, anyway. I find this slightly less horrifying than the idea of power farting in front of my entire office. After a full meal of anchovies, brussel sprouts and corn.
It is a well established fact that I am a Sturdy Girl, of Random, Questionable Peasant Stock (with Native American Influence). I hate shopping in general, as a 16/18 at one store becomes a 26W at another. It is unfair, and it makes me angry.
The same holds true for the Coffee Shelves, only with more horrifying results.
Special Note to Bra Makers: 54DDs* are women, too. More Woman than the Anorexics you play to. Do us all a favor and stop making large bras from third rate coffee table runners, laced with itching powder. Less Ugly would also be a pleasant change of pace, as would under wires NOT created from hubcaps stolen out of Third World Countries. Also, the directions for Measuring Yourself for Cup Size? They need to be slightly less confusing. Whad'ya mean I am either a 54DD or a 52E?! Insight, please.
Needless to say, I shop for bras even less frequently than I do for clothing. I'm told that this is a negative thing.
See, when the under wires spring out (and they DO, generally while giving a presentation on Correct Interpretation of Floor Plan 31634G, with Joist Redesign), I handle it the best I can. Which is to say that I march directly to the bathroom and cut them out of my bra with a Swiss Army Knife.
I've been told that this sort of thing is also Not Recommended.
So the Time hit. My once sturdy, form fitting brassiere was rendered impotent by wire removal and random structural damage. It was less a bra and more of an ill fitting tank top. I had no choice, and marched directly to the Ladies Section at the Walled Mart.
Once I entered the Ladies section (comfortably situated next to the tires, shoes and photo sections, where everyone can watch you), my eyes began to glaze over. So many choices...
...If I was an A-Cup.
The Larger Girls were not cute, and more industrial in design. What's with the cone shape? And the excess lace? And the...
...Oh, Good Lord. Never Mind.
While standing there in horror, I was approached by an older lady. For some reason, she assumed that I worked there. (Note to self: RUN!) She demanded to know where the telephones were. I shrugged, pointed to the back of the store, and said "Probably over there". She thanked me and left.
I later realized that I'd sent her to the camping section. I could SO work there!
Within minutes, I was approached by another older lady, who was simply unable to read the numbers and cup sizes on the bras. She told me what she needed, and I helped her find them. (Maybe I couldn't work there...) Easy as pie.
To shop for someone else.
In a total of 45 minutes, I tried on FIVE different bras. They were all different numbers and letters. NONE of them fit.
I then did what I do best: I gave up.
I marched across the store to Chachi, and barked "LET'S GO!", while half stomping and half sighing. He glanced at my hands (empty) and raised his eyebrows. I related the 45 minute, different size try outs, and my subsequent despair.
I confessed to finding a semi-fit (in the land of E), and my refusal to participate.
His look turned from slightly bemused to utterly confused. I mean, he's a guy. What's not to like about an E, right?!
I set my jaw, furrowed my brow, and muttered, "Mister, listen here. Before I will submit to an E-Cup, I will purchase a mu mu, get my hair cut into a she-mullet and hold them up with freaking duck tape. D'ya hear me?!"
Needless to say, he found it wise not to laugh at the mental picture.
We left the Mart sans bra purchase, but wise with knowledge.
If you don't want to be mistaken for a Mart Employee, it's best to purchase bras elsewhere.
Which I will be doing this week, when I go to a Specialty Shop for a fitting.
And yes, I'll throw this bra out. Tonight.
*Not my actual size. I don't think...
With it being October and all, I find it necessary to speak of those which I'd rather not.
My boobs, my ma'ams, my 'never minders'.
Breast Cancer has affected my family deeply. To date, 6 women in my immediate family have been diagnosed; three have since died.
As a result, I have taken to the pre-forty mammogram quite well. Frankly, I'd simply rather know...and fight it from the start.
In spite of this, there is a part of me horrified about other necessities involving the Girls.
Namely a well fitting bra.
Or shopping for one, anyway. I find this slightly less horrifying than the idea of power farting in front of my entire office. After a full meal of anchovies, brussel sprouts and corn.
It is a well established fact that I am a Sturdy Girl, of Random, Questionable Peasant Stock (with Native American Influence). I hate shopping in general, as a 16/18 at one store becomes a 26W at another. It is unfair, and it makes me angry.
The same holds true for the Coffee Shelves, only with more horrifying results.
Special Note to Bra Makers: 54DDs* are women, too. More Woman than the Anorexics you play to. Do us all a favor and stop making large bras from third rate coffee table runners, laced with itching powder. Less Ugly would also be a pleasant change of pace, as would under wires NOT created from hubcaps stolen out of Third World Countries. Also, the directions for Measuring Yourself for Cup Size? They need to be slightly less confusing. Whad'ya mean I am either a 54DD or a 52E?! Insight, please.
Needless to say, I shop for bras even less frequently than I do for clothing. I'm told that this is a negative thing.
See, when the under wires spring out (and they DO, generally while giving a presentation on Correct Interpretation of Floor Plan 31634G, with Joist Redesign), I handle it the best I can. Which is to say that I march directly to the bathroom and cut them out of my bra with a Swiss Army Knife.
I've been told that this sort of thing is also Not Recommended.
So the Time hit. My once sturdy, form fitting brassiere was rendered impotent by wire removal and random structural damage. It was less a bra and more of an ill fitting tank top. I had no choice, and marched directly to the Ladies Section at the Walled Mart.
Once I entered the Ladies section (comfortably situated next to the tires, shoes and photo sections, where everyone can watch you), my eyes began to glaze over. So many choices...
...If I was an A-Cup.
The Larger Girls were not cute, and more industrial in design. What's with the cone shape? And the excess lace? And the...
...Oh, Good Lord. Never Mind.
While standing there in horror, I was approached by an older lady. For some reason, she assumed that I worked there. (Note to self: RUN!) She demanded to know where the telephones were. I shrugged, pointed to the back of the store, and said "Probably over there". She thanked me and left.
I later realized that I'd sent her to the camping section. I could SO work there!
Within minutes, I was approached by another older lady, who was simply unable to read the numbers and cup sizes on the bras. She told me what she needed, and I helped her find them. (Maybe I couldn't work there...) Easy as pie.
To shop for someone else.
In a total of 45 minutes, I tried on FIVE different bras. They were all different numbers and letters. NONE of them fit.
I then did what I do best: I gave up.
I marched across the store to Chachi, and barked "LET'S GO!", while half stomping and half sighing. He glanced at my hands (empty) and raised his eyebrows. I related the 45 minute, different size try outs, and my subsequent despair.
I confessed to finding a semi-fit (in the land of E), and my refusal to participate.
His look turned from slightly bemused to utterly confused. I mean, he's a guy. What's not to like about an E, right?!
I set my jaw, furrowed my brow, and muttered, "Mister, listen here. Before I will submit to an E-Cup, I will purchase a mu mu, get my hair cut into a she-mullet and hold them up with freaking duck tape. D'ya hear me?!"
Needless to say, he found it wise not to laugh at the mental picture.
We left the Mart sans bra purchase, but wise with knowledge.
If you don't want to be mistaken for a Mart Employee, it's best to purchase bras elsewhere.
Which I will be doing this week, when I go to a Specialty Shop for a fitting.
And yes, I'll throw this bra out. Tonight.
*Not my actual size. I don't think...
posted by rennratt at 5:15 AM
16 Comments:
Been there done that -- I was so much in denial and continued to wear the C cup I THOUGHT I looked good in. After Oprah and CP telling me that I needed a fitting, I decided to bite the bullet. I don't like being a 40DD but guess what? I look so much better with no rolls hanging out all over the place. However, when I have lost my 60 pounds of flesh, I am so getting a boob job :)
Yes, it's definitely specialty shop and fitting time. If there's a Kohl's in your area, they carry many cute, larger sized bras (I had to help a friend who's girls are each bigger than my head, and thusly, know about those sizes).
A friend of mine is a EE (sometimes an F!)and she has to special order all her bras. I, on the other hand, simply break out the band-aids and rubber band.
All I can say is "Something ain't quite right here!!!!" How God ever thought it was amusing to give one sister ALL of the cleavage and the other sister the "almost A" is beyond me!
Too funny! I can empathize, because I can never find one that fits correctly that I would be caught dead in. My girls are not large, but my chest size is. The bras that fit my girls do not fit my chest - so I buy the ones I like and add bra extenders to the back. I can imagine that bra salesmen and fitters are now gagging at the thought.
My favorite, albeit quite expensive, bra is from Vickie's secrets...it's called the Ipex. It pulled my girls WAY up, it fits nice, and is WAY beyond comfortable. I was re-sized a year after I quit nursing, and discovered that I'd been wearing the wrong bra size as well. Like my sister said, no more rolls, and comfort.
And regarding the underwires? Well, I discovered that all the "cheap" bras I'd been buying everywhere weren't holding up because I was trashing them in the washer and dryer. I don't have the energy to hand wash, but I got one of those bra-balls (http://www.braballs.com/) and I let them air dry. I currently own 3 Ipex (again, they are expensive - $46.00!) and one is entering its second year in my life and has survived nicely...no stretched out straps, no worn elastic sides, no bent and/or cracked underwires.
Hope these hints help.
As a 44, 46 or 48 and 'C', 'D', or 'DD' (depending on brand and where I am shopping) I sympathize. I HATE underwires and refuse to wear them, they are not worth the pain. I have found some with enough support without the underwire, unfortunately they were to tight and were out of the larger size. Finding bras in larger sizes sucks. For instance did you know that when the band size goes up the cup size goes wonky? A 'C' in a 48 is actually a 'DD', in some brands. My best friend finally went in and got measured and found out she was actually a 40EE, when she had been using 38D's, as others have commented she no longer had the overflowing rolls. Another friend got measured and was a 26EE or 26F, she eventually had a reduction, but they came back even bigger!
Good luck and best wishes finding something with support that is attractive and fits.
Oh my goodness. Oh my GOODNESS!
You should never ever ever shop for bras by yourself!!
Take me next time. I could a few new ones too. ;)
Also? This post is beyond funny. Well done!
Hey, I found the perfect bra at W-m't! and it was only 5.98 too, no kidding. Just one of those stretchy, no hook things but with good coverage and support. I guess it helps to have, well, tiny tots instead of girls. Anyway, I hate underwear with a passion and only wear it outside the house -- is that too much information for everybody? so I bought 6 of those $6 winners. In case they stop making them because I just hate, hate, hate bras.
AH Renn. I am your girl for bra shopping..ohyesiam.
I just went through the fitting/discovery process that I am not the size I thought I was. It was THE suck, and also? kinda a relief.
Cuz now, my bras fit. dammit.thankyouverymuch.
Forget all this bra fitting. Let's all get together and BURN 'EM!!!!!
Oh lordy, I'm not large, but I am so with you...
When I found a bra I liked, really liked, about 10 years ago, I bought like, 20 of them. Haven't bought but one since. All 20 are exactly the same too.
Okay, OCD aside, can you blame me?
p.s. I did find the one other one at Target of all places! 14.95 strapless deal, surprisingly, very comfortable. But quite sturdy LOL.
dang it!! forgot to switch my ID again!!!!
who knew bras were so much work. and who knew about 54 anything?
Very funny and very well written, Renn.
Target has a nice selection of bras in a surprising range of sizes, although the larger sizes sell out first, of course. And they have no one to fit you.
I had a fitting at Victoria's Secret and bought a couple of bras there, but then used my new found knowledge to scour the sale racks at other stores to find a few things I like.
One of my favorite stories was from a friend who wore an F cup. She worked in a department store and would inevitably have men come in shopping for their wives and when she would ask them what size their wives wore, they would say, "Oh, she's about your size."
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