An Open Letter to the Wal-Mart Greeter (Who Hates My Guts)

Ma'am:

I am truly sorry. Had I known the impact of my presence, I may have chosen to shop elsewhere. Alas, your employer has driven off all competition. I have no choice.

I also have no choice when it comes to my Nextel. I must keep it with me at all times during work hours. This phone, this electronic albatross, must remain firmly on my hip regardless of what you say. You see, I am the company fixer. Today, my mission is to fix a truly frightening prospect. We are out of coffee. Now, if you will kindly step aside, I can get on with my day - and my job.

I do not know why my Nextel sets off your "Attention, Shopper..." alarm. See, I was ENTERING the store at the time. I am not carrying a purse, so I have nothing to hide. I am wearing a short sleeved golf shirt, dark chinos and work boots. I realize that, with this length of hair, it may be possible to hide something. I assure you, however, something would be a thrown cheerio or perhaps a broken hair brush handle. I am, however, wearing it in a bun. That should clear a few things up.

Please call your manager. I can not stand here, spread eagle, much longer. I would like to point out that this store has allowed more frightening people than a chick with a phone. Perhaps the door scanner should be looked at. I just saw someone pass by with an armload of electronics and nary a receipt to be seen. Why don't you go after him? Oh, yes. I forgot. That would mean jumping up from the comfort of your electronic buggy - which is for shoppers, by the way - and going out into the frigid Carolina air.

I will have you know that this interrogation is pointless. I still have no idea why my Nextel sets off your alarm. As you can see, I have my drivers license, my keys, and cold, hard cash that you are refusing to let me spend in your store.

There. That's better. May I go now? I have coffee to purchase and employees to comfort. You have officially wasted fifteen...fifteen! minutes of precious time. By the time I get back to the office, panic will reign. Thanks to your insensitivity, these poor people have gone without coffee for 45 minutes! Do you know what kind of time that is in the world of construction?

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? It took a total of 5 minutes for me to snag six tubs of coffee, ten pounds of sugar and twelve cartons of shaved plastic shards (non-dairy creamer). I will be leaving now, Nextel and all. Oh, one last thing. The next time I shop here, I could really do without the attitude.

Thank you.