Rant #4560

I have, in effect, banned the D*sney Channel, ABC F*mily and N*ckelodean from my home. It's simple, really. I consider the crap they peddle to be tantamount to infection, festering my kid with inappropriate words, premature "maturity", unrealistic goals and overall vulgar attitudes toward adults.

I am over it.

In spite of the inappropriate pandering and peddling, many public forums have expressed concerns over cartoons from my era. It is apparently feared that children may attempt Anvil Throwing, blowing up coyotes or, God Forbid, attempting to purchase crap from ACME.

However, it's apparently acceptable to foist scantily clad skank-ettes upon my kid. Skank-ettes, may I add, that attempt to sing like sex-kittens. To trite, mind numbing music.

It's enough to make a Momma crazy.

The final straw: Nooze asked me what a Panty Raid was.

She learned it on SPONGEBOB.

ICK!

Ok, so cartoons promoting such things are okay? Yet things like this are considered controversial.

I just. don't. get it.

[Explitive Removed]

Dear Newark Airport:

Please read, process and attempt to understand the following:

1. You are, first and foremost, in the service industry

2. You have no freaking idea what that means

3. Failure to make eye contact with a person/customer does not, in fact, render them invisible

4. Clearly marked medical devices are, on average, generally real medical devices

5. "Forgetting" to put my bag on the plane and ransacking it is not 'counter-terrorism'. Placing your gloves in my kid's jeans pockets to show your power and stick it to me are really not good ideas. I don't know who you are, but I hope you are found out to be the creepy perv you are and are subsequently fired.

6. Next year, my clearly marked marked medical device will stay home. I will be wielding walking with a cane instead. Following the precedents of truckers and their lack of responsibility for broken windows, I hereby declare my lack of responsibility for any Airline/T*A Agents that I may come into contact with. I'm a klutz, y'all. Sorry 'bout that.

For the record, please note the following as well:

You, Newark Airport, employ a group of suck-tastic, sycophantic, power-hungry monkey-tools.

May the fleas from ten thousand mongrel dogs invade your nether regions, and may your collective arms be far too short to reach the resulting itch.

Much Love,

Rennratt

An Open Letter to the Wal-Mart Greeter (Who Hates My Guts)

Ma'am:

I am truly sorry. Had I known the impact of my presence, I may have chosen to shop elsewhere. Alas, your employer has driven off all competition. I have no choice.

I also have no choice when it comes to my Nextel. I must keep it with me at all times during work hours. This phone, this electronic albatross, must remain firmly on my hip regardless of what you say. You see, I am the company fixer. Today, my mission is to fix a truly frightening prospect. We are out of coffee. Now, if you will kindly step aside, I can get on with my day - and my job.

I do not know why my Nextel sets off your "Attention, Shopper..." alarm. See, I was ENTERING the store at the time. I am not carrying a purse, so I have nothing to hide. I am wearing a short sleeved golf shirt, dark chinos and work boots. I realize that, with this length of hair, it may be possible to hide something. I assure you, however, something would be a thrown cheerio or perhaps a broken hair brush handle. I am, however, wearing it in a bun. That should clear a few things up.

Please call your manager. I can not stand here, spread eagle, much longer. I would like to point out that this store has allowed more frightening people than a chick with a phone. Perhaps the door scanner should be looked at. I just saw someone pass by with an armload of electronics and nary a receipt to be seen. Why don't you go after him? Oh, yes. I forgot. That would mean jumping up from the comfort of your electronic buggy - which is for shoppers, by the way - and going out into the frigid Carolina air.

I will have you know that this interrogation is pointless. I still have no idea why my Nextel sets off your alarm. As you can see, I have my drivers license, my keys, and cold, hard cash that you are refusing to let me spend in your store.

There. That's better. May I go now? I have coffee to purchase and employees to comfort. You have officially wasted fifteen...fifteen! minutes of precious time. By the time I get back to the office, panic will reign. Thanks to your insensitivity, these poor people have gone without coffee for 45 minutes! Do you know what kind of time that is in the world of construction?

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? It took a total of 5 minutes for me to snag six tubs of coffee, ten pounds of sugar and twelve cartons of shaved plastic shards (non-dairy creamer). I will be leaving now, Nextel and all. Oh, one last thing. The next time I shop here, I could really do without the attitude.

Thank you.