Mmmm

It seems that Humira has side effects, after all. Since taking my inaugural shot last Thursday, I have had stomach pains.

I don't mean mild discomfort or bloating. I mean pain. Kind of what one may feel if one was sucker punched with an anvil. Sharp, stabbing pains.

The kind of stomach pain that causes a person to double over. The kind that makes you nauseous.

On the up side, however, I have lost eight pounds. If weight loss is involved, it can't all be bad, right? Right?! I am scheduled to take the shots every two weeks. At this rate, I should be at my target weight in...three to four months.

Last night, exactly one week after my first shot, I was able to eat a "regular meal". If you consider a turkey combo at Subway a 'meal'. I was thrilled. I sailed through the sandwich, then the chips, then the gooey nectar that rocks the south - sweet tea. I felt great!

Then I stood up. The sharp, agonizing 'have-I-been-stabbed-I-may-be-bleeding' feeling came back. I made it out the door of the Subway...

...and into the glaring light of Wal Mart. I gulped air, swallowed, and held my stomach. Then I began to grocery shop.

By the time I made it to the produce section (less than five feet), I could feel the bile rising. Fear struck and my brain shouted "Yer gonna spew!"

Instantly, my mind ran back to kindergarten. I sat next to the kid who Had diarrhea at the Lunch Table. I still don't recall his name, but his action (and the SMELL!) still lingers all these years later in the dark corners of my brain.

We live in a small town. I could not be known as the Woman who Gacked in Wal Mart. I steeled myself against hurling with mental images of Jeff Kay - tiny Duke head and all - adding me to his Wal Mart Game. I distracted myself with possible entries. Would I be the Yankee Yacking on Yams? Too wordy. And this is the south. They have sweet potato here, not yams. "Vomit Beard" already exists, so that option would be out, too. I ran down the list of possibilities, crossing each one off as I went. I never did find an adequate entry. I didn't throw up, either.

Instead, I found myself laughing. One hand on my mouth, the other on my stomach. Despite the fact that this 'ordeal' lasted about five to ten minutes, no one there gave me a second glance.

When I located and updated Chachi, he warned me sternly about the possible problems with puking in the Marlboro Mecca: If I didn't have a receipt, I'd better be ready to pay.