Worm Eater

I found the email while attempting to search my archives for proof of correct action in another matter.  There it sat, bold print: an email from my former boss to Big Boss.  It read: Renn is making so many mistakes that I don't know why we keep her. Her counter-part keeps catching the errors, which is good. But still.  You need to do something about this.  There is NO REASON for her to stay otherwise.

I sat there, dumb-struck.  My old boss tried to get me fired, in spite of always acting like I was a "god-send".  Naturally, I fell into a shame spiral, re-hashing every error that I have made at Destructo since joining the Dark Side nearly 15 years ago.  Finally, unable to take it any more, I walked over to my former counter-part.  Shaking and near tears, I stammered, "Do you think that I suck at my job? Do you think I'm a failure?"

Unaware of my reasoning, she raised her brows and blurted, "Yep, you're the worst I've ever seen.  I have no idea why we keep you around."  Naturally, this was NOT what I needed to hear.  I sighed deeply, nodded and muttered, "Yeah. That seems to be the consensus."  When she saw that I was serious, she backed up and said, "Wait.  I was TEASING, Renn! Where is this coming from?"  So I told her: While uploading my semi-new computer with my email after the death of my nearly 20 year old desktop, IT had apparently added Former Boss's archives to my email system.

She laughed and said, "Renn. Honey.  When was that email written?" I had to jog back to my desk to check: 2009.  The email was written five years ago, mere months before Former Boss was let go.  It still stung, though.

Somehow sensing my need for additional reassurance, she continued.  "Renn.  He was a terrible boss.  That was FIVE years ago.  You are stressing about something that was written by a FORMER employee to someone who died over a year ago.  I'm pretty sure you're safe.  I'm just sayin'..."

While I knew in my heart that this was true, the tendencies to wallow were still there.  Still so close to the surface.  Still so ripe and raw that I couldn't let it go.  See, when you spend most of your days contemplating your purpose and worrying about Being Less Than, it's really hard not to assume that everyone else thinks you're a failure as well.  That it's a miracle that you have this job at all.  That it's amazing that you can even manage to get out of bed in the morning.  That MAYBE you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, suck it up and just be thankful that anyone would bother to keep you around.

And so it goes...