Die, Frau, Die

It had truly been one of those days. Frustrating, stressful. I had spent a greater part of my day beta testing a useless system, the rest of the day explaining myself. I had been trained by a man whose charisma challenged only Ben Stein, without the benefit of intelligence. My assistant had the day off. Invoices and receivers littered a 4 square foot area. People were charging at me from all angles, needing everything from pencil refills to material samples. I was tired.

I raced out early for a doctor's appointment, leaving 15 minutes later than expected. I had exactly 30 minutes to make it 20 miles, in afternoon traffic. In my rush, I completely bypassed the easiest route. This added 13 miles - and 4 stop lights - to my trip. Keeping my eye on the speedometer, I whispered hurry, hurry, hurry but don't-speed-don't let me be stopped today all in one fair breath.

I made it to the appointment with 5 minutes to spare. I signed in, sat down, and exhaled. It was then, I suppose, that the weight and stress of the day hit me. I was completely exhausted. Needing to decompress, I decided against reading magazines during my wait. I vegged instead.

Within minutes, I found myself completely enthralled by the high end wallpaper. It appeared to be made out of cloth, with all manner of arches and calligraphy scrawled across it in hues of gold and green. At first glance, the writing appeared to be in Latin. If I had ever taken Latin, I may have spent the time translating. Instead, I amused myself with possibilities. "Welcome, peasant" it proclaimed. "Give me your money and leave". Mid-giggle, my eyes rested on one word, located at eye level. It simply said, in elegant script "DIE". I did a double-take. Did it really...yup. Charming, I thought. That explains my insurance premium. Cheap, but effective. Just send the old gal to someone unafraid to TELL her what to do! I glanced around the lobby for the potentially obedient. To my joy, all of my fellow patients-in-waiting were still very much alive.

Suppressing a snort, I thought of other potential wall snobbery, in equally inappropriate places. Why not "get up, fatso" at McDonald's? Or "SMILE!" at a funeral home? What logic was applied in the selection of this paper?

Further investigation (ok, warped translation) of other words within the wallpaper led me to the truth. The script wasn't in Latin at all. It was in German. This brought on further stifled giggles. Since when is the German language rated as an art form? I distinctly remember studying this language in college. People do not sound artistic when they speak it. It is not for the romantic, the faint of heart, the creative soul, or those plagued with allergies. I scanned the room furtively for any indication that Deiter had been there. My poor translation skills found no sign of Now we dance! or any mention of Monkey Touching. Truthfully, I was disappointed. That would have made quite a story.