Trouble
I have no idea how I end up in situations like this.
It's not that I necessarily have a penchant for trouble, or that I particularly enjoy messing with people. Really.
Here's what happened:
I was standing in the Big Box store, casually looking at all of the sale items from Hanukkah. My goal was to buy a reasonably priced Menorah for a co-worker (The fact that she is not Jewish did not sway me at all). As I stood there lost in thought, a nasally, high pitched voice broke in: "Don't you just LOVE the sales? You need to stock up! Save money!"
This woman could have been Fran Drescher's twin - right down to the spandex and high heels. It was truly quite a sight.
I slowly chewed the inside of my mouth, praying that I wouldn't be hit with the church giggles. Fearing that I would bee seen as a snob, I nodded - and continued to stare at the candles in my hand.
Frannie then reached out and took the candles, placing them back on the shelf. "Honey" she rasped "That brand isn't worth it. Try these!" Like magic, anther package appeared. They were horrifying.
At that precise moment, The Round Table decided to have a reunion. "Hello?" screamed Marge Schott. "Not Jewish!"
I stifled a snicker; Frannie didn't notice.
"Hello?!" chimed in one of the comedians. "You're a WINNAH!*"
"Hello?!" screamed another. "Paste WHITE!"
"Blonde!" screeched the third.
I began to shake; my mouth blistered from the biting.
I nearly lost it when Frannie asked what my family tradition was for candle lighting and gift giving.
I mumbled "dreidel" and "random" and thanked her for her advice. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
When Passover arrives, I may have to go into hiding.
*WINNAH- White-Irish/North Native American Hybrid
It's not that I necessarily have a penchant for trouble, or that I particularly enjoy messing with people. Really.
Here's what happened:
I was standing in the Big Box store, casually looking at all of the sale items from Hanukkah. My goal was to buy a reasonably priced Menorah for a co-worker (The fact that she is not Jewish did not sway me at all). As I stood there lost in thought, a nasally, high pitched voice broke in: "Don't you just LOVE the sales? You need to stock up! Save money!"
This woman could have been Fran Drescher's twin - right down to the spandex and high heels. It was truly quite a sight.
I slowly chewed the inside of my mouth, praying that I wouldn't be hit with the church giggles. Fearing that I would bee seen as a snob, I nodded - and continued to stare at the candles in my hand.
Frannie then reached out and took the candles, placing them back on the shelf. "Honey" she rasped "That brand isn't worth it. Try these!" Like magic, anther package appeared. They were horrifying.
At that precise moment, The Round Table decided to have a reunion. "Hello?" screamed Marge Schott. "Not Jewish!"
I stifled a snicker; Frannie didn't notice.
"Hello?!" chimed in one of the comedians. "You're a WINNAH!*"
"Hello?!" screamed another. "Paste WHITE!"
"Blonde!" screeched the third.
I began to shake; my mouth blistered from the biting.
I nearly lost it when Frannie asked what my family tradition was for candle lighting and gift giving.
I mumbled "dreidel" and "random" and thanked her for her advice. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
When Passover arrives, I may have to go into hiding.
*WINNAH- White-Irish/North Native American Hybrid
posted by rennratt at 9:42 PM
11 Comments:
This is the funniest thing you have written ever! I wish I could have been in line with you, Renn. That's a classic!
Does the expression "Hell to pay" mean anything to you? ;-)
Don't you know? You're always supposed to hum the Hannukah Song in situations like that. If someone gets too nosy, you just blurt out "O.J. Simpson? Not a Jew!"
Heh.
You deserve a big giant martini, bourbon, glass of wine -- SOMETHIN'... and I'm totally buying.
Heh.
When i was trying to quit smoking, they had me try Welbutrin, and I found that I was not only listening to the roundtable, but repeating them out loud.
I'd rather smoke.
But it was fun there for a little while.
I married into a Jewish family so I can relate, Renn. I still remember the huge culture shock I felt at the first family gathering I attended. Wow.
BWAAAH!
Oh that was astounding. I love the 'slowly biting my cheek' - although I rarely do that. Turns out I've become good at ducking.
Renn - genius. Pure and simple.
Hey, Renn, will you make me some latkes? I love a good latke, even if it's only made be someone who was mistaken for a Jew.
Too funny, Renn.
Aw, Renn, I've gotten really, really behind on my reading, and it kills me to know I might have missed this one! This one definitely qualifies for a "perfect post" award. However, I have no idea how to even submit it! Thanks for the laughs!
You are a trip -- you are a much better person than I am -- I would have been the snob and walked away. Most days I don't mind having conversations with random strangers but a Fran lookalike? I would not have been able to contain the laughter :)
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