It Happened!

Yep, everything noted about Destrukto in the last post pretty much happened today. Well, with a few notable exceptions. Said exceptions include the following:

1. I am still currently employed.

2. I didn't turn over the list of what I do [did].


What I DID Instead:

1. Told the Big Boss that the office environment was akin to Gaslight, and smilingly suggested that he G**gle the movie. [I didn't tell him which part he was playing.]

2. Turned my Master Key into [Now Former] Boss One. In front of NEW Boss One.

3. Declined the 'need' for me to help NEW Boss One with processes and paperwork that I have done for years. Suggested instead that he should already know how to do it.

4. Moved my stuff from [my former] office back to the cubicle farm.

5. Emailed key people in Corporate that XYZ processes are to now be handled by NEW Big Boss, effective immediately.

6. Contacted HR, who had no idea that any of this was going on. Received KEY Information on How to Proceed, along with phone numbers.

7. Called friend for level headed, outside advice (also an HR Pro, for an entirely different line of work).

Truthfully, I grinned like a maniac through the entire situation...and laughed.

Anyone who knows me KNOWS what this means.

The Irish-Indian has come out to play...and I stopped drinking years ago.

Today is Nooze's First Day in the Third Grade. I took a Not So Random Day Off, which has become our tradition. As we inched through the drop off queue at EOTGWE this morning, Nooze frowned ever so slightly. When I asked her what was wrong, she shrugged. She was apparently hoping that I would walk her to class.

I then lovingly explained that, although I am Super Momma, I have yet to attain psychic abilities. I would have GLADLY walked her to class if she had only expressed this desire!

I will have the chance to redeem myself on Friday, as I have taken it off as well. To celebrate my Un-Birthday. I'm taking bets that she will prefer to walk to class SOLO on that day.
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Things have gone from bad to worse at Destrukto. A Major Incident occurred on Tuesday (aka Yesterday), resulting in a Really Bad Taste in My Mouth. It has come to my attention that those in positions of power in my office are reprehensible people, rather than simply the jerks I had thought. I am deeply ashamed to be associated with them.

On a brighter note, I fully expect to be demoted to hourly soon. This will strip me of managerial status, and likely some pay as a result. On a TRULY Bright Note, I am compiling a list of items that I will no longer be able to accomplish when this happens. This list includes vital research (which no one else has bothered to learn), letter writing, and process data work. I have yet to decide whether I will share how to accomplish the tasks noted on the list.

I look forward to turning this list over to the New People in Charge, who will stare blankly at it and demand that I complete the work on my (newly reduced) hours and salary. I will then sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, and strongly suggest that they return their golf tanned behinds to their polished oak desks...and learn how to do honest work.

If all goes according to (dream) plan, I will then resign (effective immediately)...and walk out the door. If in office rumblings pan out as true, I will likely be followed by at least six other people.

When your office staff only equals ten, I'd say that's a pretty strong statement.

In the interim, I need to update my resume.

How I will incorporate nine years in that place is beyond me.

The Fabulous Life, Renn Style

You, too, can be cool like Rennratt! Simply follow these easy steps!

1. Spend 1-2 weeks, freezing cold.

2. Drink new, Costa Rican Extra Bold coffee with dinner "to warm up".

3. Spend entire evening/all night in high grade panic attacks, unsure of cause. Sleep approximately 3 hours.

4. Wake up with large zit under nose.

5. Drink more of new, fabulous coffee.

6. Have more panic attacks while driving to work.

7. Realize it's the coffee.

8. Wonder, briefly, why Juan Valdez wants you dead.

9. Spend entire morning exhausted, unfocused and barely able to work.

10. Go to large warehouse store during lunch to pick up supplies.

11. Finally warm up while in store, and remove sweater. Place sweater on top of cart.

12. Hear thudding noise as you're dragging an entire of now full cart through the store.

13. Realize that thudding noise is sweater, wrapped around tires under cart.

14. Try to pull sweater out from under cart, which now holds 1/2 million 6-gallon jugs of water.

15. Expect pants - or sweater - to rip as you bend to pull sweater from under the cart.

16. Hear loud, gagging/vomit noise.

17. Realize noise is coming from your purse.

18. Remind self to hide phone from child/husband, as they are both great fans of the "make your own ringtone" option.

19. Resolve to get even.

20. Get hit on by someone older than your father, immediately followed by someone young enough to be your son.

21. Buy ice cream for office.

22. Take cart out to vehicle. Begin unloading into The Crime Scene.

23. Break into full-fledged, free style, no holds barred Man Sweat.

24. Be approached by male your age, and receive offer of help.

25. Gratefully accept.

26. Work silently with stranger, quietly wondering if he plans to mug you.

27. Have person wish you a great day (without death threats, etc) and walk off.

28. Smile briefly.

29. Become horrified when you realize that Same Age Guy called you "ma'am".

30. Briefly wonder why you smell onions.

31. Worry it's the zit.

...to be continued...

Deficient, not DEFECTIVE

Just over 24 hours after having blood work completed, I received a call from Dr. Yup-Yup's office. The nurse was pleasant, yet business-like. Initially, I will confess that this caused me great concern.

See, Humira has many potential side effects. While some are mildly annoying (itchy skin) or simply nauseating (literally - violent stomach pains), others are potentially deadly. These "less pleasant" side effects include kidney failure, liver failure...and lymphatic cancer. Since I tend toward long odds in the side effects department, I was quietly concerned that I would win the "Big C" lottery.

Dr. Yup-Yup and his PA, however, seemed somewhat convinced that my thyroid was simply fried. I was, in their words, a textbook case of hypothyroidism. In fact, I had pretty much every symptom. I was ceremoniously dispatched to the lab to have more tests.

Naturally, this would turn out to be the first health issue that they ruled out. My thyroid, it would seem, is functioning quite well. Ditto for my liver, my kidneys, my pancreas, my iron...everything was just fine. Diabetes, protein overload and random infection were also ruled out.

It turns out that, out of anything possible, the culprit was simply Vitamin D deficiency. How deficient, you ask? For the next eight weeks, I, Rennratt, shall be taking a weekly dose of 50K IU of Vitamin D...in addition to DAILY DOSES.

I took my first dose one hour ago. Ya know what? I feel like I could stay up all night. There is, however, one small issue:

My skin itches like CRAZY.

I bet I'm frigging allergic to Vitamin D.

Sound Advice

I went in to kiss Nooze goodnight last night, just as I do every night. She was, yet again, sprawled haphazardly across the bed, covers falling to the floor. I picked them up and began to lay them over her.

In typical Nooze fashion, she flipped over, sat bolt upright and looked at me. Eyes unfocused, she whispered, "Momma?"

"Yes, my baby," I responded.

"Momma. Momma. Tell daddy not to drive his car tomorrow."

I smiled, wondering what would come next.

I shrugged, nodded assent and asked why.

"Momma," she whispered mid-snore, "He can't drive it. It's full of frogs."

With that, she immediately laid back down, flipped back over, and continued to snore.

Momma's Not Smiling 'Cuz She's Happy

I have begun singing the chorus to "They're Coming to Take Me Away" with increasing frequency, and at increased frequencies. There's nothing like being surrounded by utter chaos to keep you teetering at the edge of the abyss. I've been driven past distraction and headlong into madness.

Need proof? Alright, then.

First, there's the fact that I have a couple of co-workers that firing would be too good for. All attempts at reporting said co-workers have been meet with sneering and condescension from those on high. Stress levels have risen to the potential of either a full scale lawsuit or a mass walk-out by at least 7 employees. [We have less than 15 employees.] I'm personally praying that we're bought out by a competitor and laid off. It would certainly be less stressful. Second on the prayer list is that a random tornado strikes one weekend (while the building is blessedly human-free) - and that our half of the building is laid flat and unrepairable. I think it's good to dream.

Then, there's the grouchy, hacking, 13 year old incontinent dog that runs away when I attempt to diaper her. It's not like I enjoy this stuff; I just don't have the desire, time, energy or funds to continually change all of the flooring out in my house. I was down to the last (disposable) dog diaper tonight and found myself muttering, "Dog, I will staple this thing TO you if you don't STAND STILL!"

I am also experiencing a rapid, violent decline in my health. I am crashing/passing out earlier every night, even with the distraction of loud, obnoxious television. This crashing is generally while wearing flannel PJ's, socks...and having the heated mattress cover on High to keep the chills away. I am also wearing sweaters constantly during the day.

Please bear in mind that I live in Eastern North Carolina. Temps this past week (when sweater wearing has increased) have ranged from the high 70s to somewhere in the 90s. These temps do not include the heat index...which is pretty much the southern, summertime version of the wind chill factor.

On the upswing, however, exsanguination occurred today without a hitch. I return to my Beloved Dr. Yup-Yup next Tuesday for the results. Here's hoping that Humira hasn't rendered my liver to cottage cheese. Ditto for my kidneys. I'm hoping for something interesting, at least. Mass organ failure, which I can only imagine sucks, is simply not odd enough for me. Maybe my platelets have grown knives. It would certainly explain why I feel 'stabby' all of the time these days.

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Next Friday, wisely taken as a Random Day Off, shall be celebrated with a belated trip to visit the Big Plates. [Is it wrong that a morning spent in a hospital is somehow more palatable than an entire day in the office?] This trip, while not the most thrilling aspect of being Female, will include face time with one of the funniest, hippest x-ray techs in the Greater Triangle Area. Seriously, local gals. This chick brings great laughter and snark to such a serious job, and somehow makes time fly by. When you're standing half naked in an ice cold room, humor and distraction are worth their weight in gold. Believe me.

I'd tell more, but the geriatric, incontinent dog just walked by...without her diaper. Where's my stupid stapler?!