How to Impress the New Boss, Renn Style

When a New Boss takes over the office, employees should be careful to remain professional and respectful.

Employees not interested in being tagged as brown nosers may follow my lead instead. Simply follow these easy steps:

1.) If you retain any type of edit filter, lose it immediately.

Allow New Boss to overhear you stating the following:

2.) When referencing your eyebrows, loudly note that you look like the Love Child of Abe Vigoda and a Swamp Monster.

3.) When discussing dating (with a single co-worker): "I could never date a guy I think I could take in a fight. This renders most of America Un-date-able."

4.) On being a "Cougar" (to the same, single co-worker): "I could never be a Cougar. My brain would constantly be screaming 'Old enough to be his mom! Old enough to be his mom!', and I'd switch from trying to be alluring to sewing him flannel pajamas and feeding him oatmeal."

For maximum effect, be sure that your New Boss overhears all of the above within 4 hours time.

Family Business

Most people shake their heads in disbelief when I make this confession. They simply can't believe that rennratt, troublemaker extraordinaire, was not a school skipper back in the day. Well, not in the "normal" sense anyway.

From the time I was 12 or 13, my sister and I were forced to skip school at least once a year. You read that correctly: We were forced. By my mum.

As wild, crazy and grossly inappropriate as it may sound, my mother insisted that it was good for us. For ALL of us. There were, however, a few rules involved in this Day. The rules were as follows:

1. The Day would always be Wednesday, as it was my father's day off.

2. My sister and I could have no tests or papers due on this day.

That was pretty much it.

We would always head to Bangor on that day. It would be filled with random trips to the Bangor Library, the local Christian Bookstore, the Bangor Mall (a very big deal)...or even a trip to The Grasshopper Shoppe. We would always stop for sandwiches at The Coffee Pot, grabbing enough for both lunch and dinner that night.

One year, I even ran smack dab into Stephen King when rounding a corner in Downtown Bangor. It was hysterical and horrifying, and I will never forget it. My mum, though not a Stephen King fan (at ALL), knew that this was a huge deal for me and simply smiled as I stumbled through an apology. [He was very nice, by the way.]

And every year, without fail, my mum would send the following note to school:

"Please excuse Zoozer and Renn for missing school yesterday. They were out of town with their parents on Family Business. Sincerely, Mrs. X."

The school never challenged this note, nor did they request additional information.

I, being a traditionally difficult child, called my mother on this letter. It's not that I didn't enjoy this day, either. I simply wanted to get a reaction out of her. The following conversation happened when I was somewhere around 15 or 16:

RR: Mum, this letter is a lie. You're a Christian. God tells us not to lie! Don't you feel bad?

Mum: [turning to me, jaw firmly set]: Rennie, this letter is NOT a lie. I wrote exactly what happened.

RR: How so?

Mum: [raising eyebrows slightly]: You were out of town, in BANGOR. You were with family - your mom and dad. And what we were doing out of town is our business."

She then turned around abruptly and continued washing the dishes.

I rarely challenged her thought process after that.

Fast forward twenty plus years to today. My mother has passed away; my father has remarried. Dad and his bride (whom I lovingly call my Bonus Mom) will be arriving at La Casa tonight for a four day visit. I was going through the 'activities' list for the weekend, and noted that Friday might be a bust.

When Chachi asked why, I noted that he had to work and Nooze had school. Any activity chosen had to work within your average school day. Chachi shook his head 'no'. I looked at him in confusion, and he smiled.

"Keep Nooze home tomorrow," he said.

I mentioned her weekly spelling test, and he shrugged. "She's a straight A student, she's on the Principal's List, she's a K-Kid. She has a great record with the school, and she hasn't seen her grandparents in a year. She can miss one test."

When I asked what I'd write on the excuse, he smiled and replied, "Family Business! Just leave town for a while so the letter isn't a lie."

Note to Self, Volume XI

When attempting to soothe dry, cracked lips while standing in the cube farm, take heed. Make sure it was actually LIP BALM that you pulled out of your pocket.

Especially when surrounded by MEN.

Ahem...