Random Confession #598

In spite of a physique that indicates otherwise, I tend to forget that I am a girl.  As a result, I often get myself into situations that result in horrifying the opposite sex with what can only be described as brash and unbecoming behaviour.

In short, I guess you could say I'm kind of a BROAD.

I'm surprisingly okay with that fact.

Random Confession #914

Chachi and I have re-named Taco Bell's Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito.

We call it The Aftermath*.







*Sincere apologies to Stephen King, LeVar Burton and assorted others.

Random Confession #222

My friend and I once got two Mormon Missionaries kicked off their mission.

I won't go into details, but it involved hardcore sake, Drag Wear...and a Polaroid camera.


Please note: We didn't mean to get them kicked out. We were all 19 years old; we were all drinking the sake. Please remember that most Missionaries from this religion are sent. They are not asked. I can only guess that Mark and Gary had more fun at 'Friday Night Study' in our dorm than any other activity they encountered in the Hollers of WV during their stay.

Believe it or not, I still feel badly about what happened.

Random Confession #603

Discovery's American Loggers is recorded in the general vicinity of my old stomping grounds.
I find it highly amusing that the Discovery finds it necessary to include translation at the bottom of the screen - or bleep the truckers as much as they do.

The truckers aren't always cursing; Discovery bleeps out whatever they don't understand.

Random Confession #9

I always knew that George Michael was gay.

Boy George, however, caught me completely by surprise.

I blame the makeup and dresses. (His, not mine.)

Random Confession #712

I am reading and enjoying the current editions of Mental Floss...

...and Mother Earth News.

I love them equally.

Random Fact # 783

It is virtually impossible to discipline a beagle that has dimples.

Random Confession #12

This was one of my favorite songs back in college.

My best friend, a transvestite named Jae, would sing it with me.

Surprisingly, alcohol was NOT a factor.

Random Confession #3,465

When in college, I placed a completely honest personal ad.

The results were even worse than you could imagine.

Random Confession #436

I once had a crush on a boy solely because I loved his THIGHS.

He could have, without a doubt, played for the All Blacks.

You know, if he wasn't a farmer in Northern Maine.

Things I Do Not Recommend

1. If you are pulled over by the police for erratic driving, just tell them you are sorry. Leave it at that. I do NOT recommend telling them that your poor driving was due to playing 'Trading Heads' with your five year old. At the very least, you will get a breathalizer. At the very most, you will get a 72 hour hold, Pending Evaluation. [Especially if, in a Twist of Genius, your five year old is in the back seat, wide eyed and shrugging...]

2. I do Not recommend teaching your Youth Group the finer art of slam dancing. Good bye, cool factor; hello whiplash.

3. When speaking to your pastor, I do not recommend referring to Weird Al as 'My Fourth Husband'. Especially if you are still married to Husband #1...and he is the MUSIC MINISTER at the church. If you do, however, make this mistake, simply laugh and move on. Do NOT, under any circumstances, continue with, "Well, duh. He has to be number four. Jamie Hyneman is number two, and Anthony Simcoe is number three!"

4. I do NOT recommend playing 'Marry, Shag, or Throw off a Cliff' with nuns. 'Nuff said.

5. Lastly, if you suffer from Tunnel Vision, I do not recommend tweezing your own eyebrows.

Ask me how I know.