Testing, 1,2,3

Well, people. It seems that today is the day. Sometime during the day, between muttering and fits of rage, I shall go.

Unless I change my mind. I must head to the Vampyre Clinic for my quarterly desanguination, my Bloodletting with a Co-Pay. I shall be drained, at least partially, and interrogated regarding my medication.

I like to think of it as my 'Am I Dead Yet?' meeting.

Within a few weeks, I will return to the beloved Dr. Yup-Yup. We shall go over my levels, my kidney function, my liver function. He shall smile and nod, and ask rapid fire questions. I may or may not understand him.

We shall discuss Options, which are down to two. If the Humira is not doing its job, or if it is wrecking me, we shall take the next steps.

Chemotherapy and a cane.

Thursday

For more insight, laughter, and work related joy, go here: www.despair.com.

Blast from the Past

Can anyone guess the significance of this photo?

Note them in the comments.

For the record:

1. Yes, I really AM that white.

2. Please forgive the hairstyle and eyebrows. It appears that I was channeling Dee Snyder - one of my loves.

EDIT: For those who have never met me, I am the chick in GREEN.

Mouth

One of the front teeth in the Mouth of Nooze is extremely loose. One side of it is completely out, while the other side remains stubbornly rooted in her gums. No amount of poking, prodding or twisting will set it free.

When she smiles, the tooth prods out over her lip jaggedly, threatening to snag on sandwiches, cookies, or perhaps even air.

I have taken to calling her Nanny McPhee.

Yep, therapy is probably a given for this kid.

Rennratt: Protector of Temps

While I do not sort through resumes to hire temps, I am generally left to their training and care once they arrive. Having spent a great deal of my previous career in the world of Random Assignments at Weird Places, I am considered the Dr. Spock of Temp Workers at Destrukto Corp.

I walk them through the job qualifications and requirements. I train them on the telephone system. I introduce them to every possible co-worker in the office, in hopes that THIS one will finally work out.

They rarely do.

The current temp to hire in training is a bubbly, curvaceous twenty something blond girl. She is THE definition for ditz, and seems rather unaware of pretty much anything related to common sense. This would include the following gems: the need to study for a driving exam, the fact that you are allowed to pick up a book (free!) at the DMV, why pink thongs should not be worn with low slung WHITE pants, and why sweatpants with 'I love Pink!' on the butt may not be appropriate office attire.

We talk a lot.

In spite of (or perhaps because of) the above gems, I adore her. It is evident that, while irritating, her spells of ditz are just that. She is young. She is funny. She is trainable.

She had to take a day off this week, in order to attempt her drivers exam and attend a defensive driving class. In a bizarre (and rare) attempt to keep things flowing in the office, I requested a one day replacement to cover her position. I assumed that this would make my day smoother.

I was wrong. VERY wrong.

At exactly 7:55 am, He walked through the door. At 7:55:01 am, the estrogen level within a 3 block radius tripled. A hormonal mushroom cloud loomed over Destrukto Corp., and a collective giggle spread throughout the office.

He was beautiful, buff, and TAN. His cologne was light, his dress professional, his voice a deep, pleasant growl. His grace and ease around women, his willingness to stay quiet and busy, and his acceptance of a one day assignment thrilled me.

However, the steady stream of women running to my desk to yell "WELL DONE!" unnerved me. The chick equivalent of high-fiving was attempted, with comments regarding a possible checklist for future temp workers. I had asked for a one day replacement. I had no recollection of using phrases such as 'god like', 'hunky', or 'eye candy'.

I spent a greater part of my day attempting to protect him, myself, and Destrukto Corp. as a whole. I envisioned finger pointing - namely at me - and sexual harassment lawsuits. My head throbbed, and my stomach began to hurt.

It was one of the longest days of my life.

As he left the office at 5 pm, I thanked him for all of his help. He grinned, and casually noted that his aunt set him up to work there. Noting my puzzled look, he confessed that his aunt RUNS THE TEMP AGENCY.

She had set him up. Oooh, she was going to owe him. BIG.

I laughed, thankful that our Beloved Ditz would return the next day, and relieved that the One Day Assignment was just that. I released any fear of lawsuits and packed my bags to leave.

The next day, Beloved Ditz returned to the office with news. She failed the written exam. She needed to take another day off.

This time, I think we'll just have to chance it. I'm just not up for that kind of stress.

Karma

Work has been crazy these past few days. It began with a verbal fist fight with the General Superintendent, morphed into a territorial peeing contest, and ended with the agreement that He is clearly an idiot, and I am the Queen of All that Be.

No one got fired or died, so I'm guessing we're ahead of the curve.

Truth be told, in the midst of the screaming, he actually deciphered the problem. He did not realize that people in his department were circumventing regulations, short cutting rules, and defying company policy. Me and my big mouth...

Effective next week, people from HIS department (the Construction people at Destrukto Corp.) will turn off their trusty Nextels, slip out of their steel toed boots, and step into the life of a cubicle rat. For at least one hour a day, his people shall do the job that MY people do. They shall read floor plans. They shall read take offs. They shall decipher the will of random builders, answer phones, and learn what it's like to be screamed at every day.

Karma, in spite of her random ways, can be wicked sweet.

The Sound of Music

The long anticipated Kindergarten Night arrived last week. There was no graduation ceremony; the school sees it as an unnecessary expense. I tend to agree. Instead, parents were treated to an hour of singing, Southern Kindergarten Style.

Sadly, the Mama Mia piece was not used. As a result, I am unable to tell you whether they were taught ABBA or Queen. Perhaps the song styles noted below will give us some insight.

The entire Kindergarten was on the stage, and was categorized by Teacher. Each separate class wore a different color T-Shirt - and had a different theme.

The Blue Group, wearing Broken Eggshell caps, sang the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme - to the tune of Louie, Louie. The Yellow Group, wearing head bands and work out attire, sang their ABC's to the Rocky theme, pausing to work out between letter sets. The Green Group held up paper coins and sang about money - citing the names of people on the coins and dollar bills. The Red Group, dressed in animal masks, sang the Farmer in the Dell. The Orange group, dressed in chef hats, confessed their love for jambalaya, craw fish and Po Boys.

The grand finale, however, completely took my breath away. They entire group - maybe 120 kids - sang their ABC's in a round. My reaction may have me banned from Edge of the Great Woods Elementary.

The Deep Southern Accents translated the alphabet to "ay, beeeh, say, day, ay, aif, jaiy, aich, aih, jaiy, kay, eyel, eyem, eyen..." I felt like I was listening to a chorus of prepubescent Steel Magnolias and miniature Forrest Gumps.

I tried to control myself. Really. I even stood at the far back wall, in the dark, trying to hide from the other parents. Unfortunately, I do not laugh in the proper Southern Manner. I am loud. I tend to gasp, sending out a short blasted "HA!", while covering my mouth and doubling over. Sadly, people tend to see this as a disrespect, rather than an admission of full enjoyment.

Unfortunately, my laughter was not well received by most. Neither were my shaking or admission that I thought I'd wet my pants. (I didn't, by the way.) I think I was tagged as the Insensitive Northern Mother after that.

I will need to make nice this summer, I think. I have the feeling that my apology will be in the form of Borrowed Children. Every weekend.

Perhaps, in time, I will be accepted as an Honorary Southerner with Different Ways. I probably shouldn't hold my breath.

Compliments of Management

Dear Peons:

Effective immediately, the following exercise may be completed in lieu of attending Mandatory Meetings:

http://www.adultswim.com/games/fiveMinutes/index.html

Successful completion is a must.

Good luck.

Hail to the Fleet

Join me in congratulating my sister, KeddyJ - aka Aunt Zoozer - on her recent colonoscopy results.


According to the doctors, no sign of disease can be found. It seems that her colon is squeaky clean.


In spite of this fact, they insisted that she up her fiber intake.


Yeah. That confused me, too.

Crazy Eights

All right, all right. Keep it down back there. I realize that it has taken me a day or two to come on board, but I'm here, OK?


Tiff has tagged me to tell y'all EIGHT things about me. For the record, some of them may not be true. Or they may all be. It's up to you to guess, I suppose.


1. I have at least two shelves of World Religion books. Thanks to my mother, I gained a love for all things different or odd. My focus is on the "WHY" that brings people to believe certain things.

2. I have never read anything by a Great American Author. I simply don't see the need.

3. Although I am paste white and (sort of) blond, my hair is convinced that I am Rastafarian. I can not brush my hair until AFTER it is dry. (It is also half way down my back.)

4. I never planned on getting married or having kids.

5. The British Comedy "Waiting for God" is one of my favorite shows. (Description: Murphy Brown retires and becomes British.)

6. I am severely left handed - and write (almost) upside down.

7. Where Angels Fear To Tread (by EM Forster) is my favorite novel.

8. Thanks to a college roommate, I can speak Japanese.


There you go. Which, if any, do you feel is not true?

I am too lazy to tag anyone. Feel free to participate, and be sure to let me know if you do!

Color me Stunned...

Due to my tendencies toward the dark'n'snarky side, I was stunned to find that I have been nominated for a Perfect Post Award !

I was nominated by Belle of the Blog for this post about my mother.

Go to Suburban Turmoil for the list of other nominees for May.